My love is all I have to give.

It's been a reallyyyyyy long time since a sappy love song has gotten to me (it could be the fact that I never listen to them anymore, choosing a more angry/ emo genre but anywoo). And as my ipod played on shuffle, High School circa 1997-1998 flashed before my eyes.

I was in a tragic tragic life altering relationship. It was so unhealthy, I don't even have the words for it. It was a doozie; mental abuse and neglect on both parties, but it lasted on and off for about 2-3ish years. Anyway, the summer of my Sophomore year because I was a slacker I ended up in summer school for Spanish. I spent that summer being one of the only girls in my class at an all boy high school (my school didn't have summer school, so you either went to a public school or an all boy school to take them- and of course I chose the boys! hello!). If you never went to summer school in High School, let me just tell you, you were missing out. It was one of the best summers I had. Everyday in between classes (yea, I failed Calculus, too.) we would jump in my friend's child molester van and drive around the neighborhood smoking cigarettes and occasionally drinking. All of my friends were older, so I felt really cool when they let me tag along. This was also in the middle of my transition from goth girl to raver chick. It was awesome getting to wear my wide legged JNCOs and a cute little t-shirt with some cartoon character everyday. I also carried a little Sesame Street Zoe doll with me everywhere I went. (If you don't know why, don't ask)

There was this guy in my Spanish class who happened to be the brother of a friend of a friend, etc. He would drive me nuts. Between hiding my Zoe doll and whispering Ninja stories (I'm sure to this day he still thinks he's a ninja) to me during class, he grew on me and we became friends. He was a big rocker guy and he liked to make fun of my techno and especially the way I dressed. I think we might have hung out a few times that summer but nothing big. I was really into drugs at the time, which he wasn't, and I got back together with the bad guy when school started again.

So Big Drama occurred in the beginning of my Junior year (again if you don't know, don't ask) and I ended up transferring to the High School his sister went to. We got back in contact and started hanging out more.

Around this time, Limp Bizkit and KoRn were really popular and this was the year that they did The first Family Values Tour (remember, I liked these bands pre-techno music). A group of his friends and sister got tickets and he invited me. A guy with us who bought us beer and we hung out in the parking lot of the grocery store across the street from the UNO Lakefront Arena. Once we got to the concert, 21 year old guy and I hung out because all the other guys went to cause ruckus in the mosh pits and the girls were crowd surfing. I was in charge of making sure his little sister didn't get into any trouble, even though we snuck onto the floor level and hung out really close to the stage. I remember walking towards the bathroom, holding 21 year old guy's hand (only not to get separated through the crowd) right as he was coming out of the mosh pit to hang out with me. I noticed the look of surprise on his face as he saw us hand holding, but I didn't really understand why- until later that night when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I don't remember if we "officially" started dating then or not. I remember I took him to my Winter Formal where we had our first fight. He refused to take pictures with me if I wore my heels, which made me like 5 inches taller than him (did I forget to mention he was my height? Yup. First and last time I dated anyone under 6'0. Probably because of this fight, too. Don't ever ask me to chose between you and my heels. The heels will always win). Besides this fight, we never fought. He was, hands down, the best boyfriend I ever had. Really sweet and thoughtful. We would spend the weekends driving around and hanging out with his friends, who I absolutely adored. I met all of his family and mine loved him. I remember one night he had gotten off of work late and we were hanging out in my bedroom. It was at least 2am. My mom came downstairs to see who was making all the noise, fully prepared to yell at me and kick whoever was over out. When she saw it was him, she smiled and said "Oh, it's you. Hi!" and went back to bed. I guess she was so over the bad relationship, she would have let me to anything as long as I wasn't with the other.

I do remember I decided to go back to the bad relationship sometime after this. Why? Because I am a masochist and an idiot. I had the perfect guy who worshipped me and I just let it go. We stayed friends for awhile, though. I remember a few awkward times were we hung out together- me, bad guy and good guy. Bad guy never knew about what went on with me and good guy but I think he guessed we had feelings for each other and stopped letting me hang out with good guy. . . or I did it on my own, what difference does it make now really?

Once I finally cleaned myself up Senior year of all the drugs and bad guy, I ran into him a couple of times (we had a lot of mutual friends). One time, he hugged me and all I remember was he smelled so good. I told our mutual friend and she warned me not to pursue it- she was tired of watching me break his heart. The last time, he completely ignored me. Later on I learned he had started smoking weed a lot and stopped caring about a lot of stuff- me included. (And this ladies and gentlemen is the first example of me turning a good guy bad.) He was a year older than me, so once he left for college I didn't hear from him again.

What was the point of this REALLLY long explanation? Well, this was also around the time Backstreet Boys the Millennium album was big. A friend of mine who, like most of my friends, wanted me to choose good guy would tell me, "This is Matt's song to you. Every time you hear a Backstreet Boys song, I want you to think of him." and I do. To this day. Every time I think of my little metal head angry Matt singing like Nick Carter, I giggle. Hence, it coming on my ipod and me getting all sappy.

Whatever happened to him, you ask? We got back in contact and hung out a few times. He nearly pissed himself laughing when I turned into a pink wearing sorority girl. He was dating a petite blonde cheerleader (which is the funniest shit I've ever heard.) who he eventually married. As we were reconnecting our friendship, he conveniently hid it from her thus making me look like the "mistress" (but we were JUST friends) and ultimately ending all communication that could be tracked (via cell phone bill, etc.). Every now and then we will call each other via his work phone. He still makes me laugh harder than anyone else in the world.

It really upsets me to this day because I adored having his friendship in my life. But because he is a guy and didn't think about the consequences of his actions, I bowed out gracefully to preserve his marriage. I'm not that girl.

The End. If you made it through the entire thing, I applaud you.