And since when is "spider monkey" a term of endearment?! You have been dis-dazzled.

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Please stop directing movies. At very least, step away from the Twilight Saga, please. Words cannot express how disappointed I was with Twilight. I would like my $12.50 back along with the two hours wasted on the joke of a movie you made. I spent a week waiting to see this film, fully prepared to be depressed from the romance pouring off of the screen. My date buying a Diet Coke for me even though he hates it and taking me to Chipotle afterwards was more romantic than the entire movie. Edward's mood swings may have been giving Bella whiplash (which can someone please explain to me when he was ever being nice to her?!), but your choppy scene transitions were making me nauseated. I have never laughed more at inappropriate times due to the terrible acting you allowed slip through the editing process(including the time I was dragged to see The Chronicles of Narnia and I laughed the entire movie because the children were so damn ugly. My friend is still not talking to me because of it, too).

Don't get me wrong, I love independent films, but this was physically painful to watch. I would like to compare it to watching someone fall backwards down a moving escalator. I was paralyzed with shock and fear as blood spouted out of his head but I could not look away and now I have that horrid image burned in my memory for the rest of my life (this actually happened the night I saw the movie, btw). When I got out of the subway I was shaking on the verge of tears and sick to my stomach. It was nearly the same exact reaction I had 2 hours prior leaving the theater.

I can't fault you completely, though. You are obviously talented; you took an amazing love story and turned it into one of the biggest movie disasters I've ever had to watch.

xoxo

PS- That Stephenie Meyer cameo? If I could have lost more respect, I would have.