New (emotional) Heights.

As the Tribeca Film Festival nears, my anxiety levels get hirer (I decided to apply to be a volunteer and I got it!). I have had to actually use a calendar to manage my time. So far I only have 5 shifts, but I think that is plenty. With all of these interviews/ orientations, and not to mention doctor appointments praying I'm not dying, it's hard to keep things straight. It's thrilling but at the same time it's scaring me to death. And I know I'm going to get made fun of for this, but this is important to me. I go a little (who am I kidding, a-fucking-LOT) overboard when I get excited about something and dammit I'm excited!!

But, I will NOT get excited about boys. Even if I get that flutter in the bottom of my stomach that makes me what to vomit- I will suppress my urge to act on it. (Have you ever forgotten someone's voice and then heard it again- with all reason flying out the window and you are back being that awkward 15 year old who can't do anything but giggle? It's sad. tragically sad. I'm not admitting this has happened, per se, err. . you know what I mean!) Luckily it passed, with the help of my over active imagination (living out our entire relationship- in less that 24 hours- all the way to the damn divorce which is inevitable, right?) and two bottles of wine. I will focus only on me from now on. I need to figure out my life before I can even think about having someone else join in. I am a mess and who wants to get involved with a mess, anyway? Unless they are a mess and I don't need anymore/ anyone else's mess in my life.

I am single because a higher power knows that I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life before I pretend I want someone else to take care of me. Unfortunately that higher power does not believe I will be happy being just the trophy wife (much much much to my dismay!) and wants me to figure out my purpose before allowing me a blissful relationship with lots and lots of hot sex. And as much as it pisses me off, I understand better now (again, Thanks to those 2 bottles of wine this weekend). If I wasn't so upset about the results, I would be proud I learned something new about myself. Dammit.

So until then I will suppress the butterflies and work on being a nicer person.