Dear Gweedo Tourist.

I understand that the appeal of the subway stairs leads you to the uncontrollable need to want to sight see the pre-chewed gum along the handrails, the grime caked floors that haven't been cleaned since you were a child and the urine stains along the walls, but seeing as we just met, let me tell you something about me. I lack the patient gene (and my morning coffee) and I also work about an avenue and a half away from the subway- which takes about 3-5 minutes of brisk walking depending on how awake I am. I also, like to sleep in my warm bed until the very last second and then spent the rest of the morning rushing around. This is why they have express trains and this is why I need to be on the express staircase (what is an express staircase you ask? Whatever one I am on at the moment, for future reference). You, sir, need the local/ scenic staircase which is only available during the hours of 10am to noon and 2pm to 4pm.

So yes, I am going to "accidentally" kick you and flat tire you as punishment for being a dumbass as you get to the top of the staircase, stop and decide you want to look at the piss stained walls in detail. Thank you. Because of you, I got stuck behind a bus (lady, seriously, if you are that large hasn't anyone ever told you not to buy a yellow jacket?! Normally I would never make fun of your weight but you are blocking the entire sidewalk!) and Bozo (That hair color is ok on a 22 year old punk rock hipster NOT a 35 year old professional spinster, fire your stylist immediately) who insisted on walking next to each other slower than a snail because obviously when you get old and fat walking and talking at the same time is a difficult task.

You, Tweedledee and Tweedledum are obviously the reason there is a nine day waiting period to buy a gun.

Please go kill yourself now.

Sincerely.