Friday, March 7, 2008

She's out of luck and out of hope and out of cigarettes

yeah my baby's pretty as a car crash
sexy as the stinger of a hornet in your arm
just another modern swinger
screaming catch me if you can with a cigarette in hand
and it’s love
its heavy and it hurts and its love
(Modern Swinger- The Pink Spiders)

I am extremely sad that I will not be attending this amazing concert tonight due to my lack of self confidence to attend a rock concert by myself. And I doubt I will be going to the movies again anytime soon since discovering this.

So much for trying to make new friends in the city.

And to make my daily productivity even more minuscule, I bought the best stress ball substitute ever. I seriously should be the poster child for procrastination, adult ADHD and recockulousness- all rolled into one. Look what I've been doing:

And my Easter collage is not coming along as easily as I thought it would. I cant come up with a good color scheme and I cannot justify buying a $5 magazine for the sole purpose of cutting it up.

And Im really enjoying The Sweet Escape by Gwennie right now on my old skool ipod ( I am rockin the dinosaur, I felt like I needed to give him some love for transferring all my data onto Coeus). I’ve listened to it three times and I think I have perfected my cubicle dance to it. When I put on my skullcandies (since they cover the majority of my head), I feel invisible thus making me want to break out dancing and singing. I have received many ims regarding my lack of talent for singing (apparently the block outside noise so I cant tell how loud I’m singing either).

This is my favorite part of the song (it makes me giggle):

Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

And it has totally just hit me this is my theme song for the moment.

BUT that phone call I was telling the world about yesterday? Totally the smartest thing I have done in a long time (Thanks Goober for the advice!) and hopefully the feeling I had afterwards was not a fluke. I hope this was the missing link to the reasons for why I’ve been feeling the way I have for the past 4 years. I felt so much better for confronting an elephant in the room and I didn’t realize I held so much resentment for its presence. And with confronting this it also felt like a huge weight was lifted, maybe it will be strong enough to lift this iron wall I’ve put up and maybe one day I will be able to have healthy relationships (I would put an again right here but to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever had one!) Now Im emotionally drained and ready for a nap.

And considering Im all over the place in this entry, I should end the torture now.

NQ(1:59 PM): im always right that doesnt mean im the brightest crayon in the box.


Eastcoastdweller said...

So the phone call WAS a good thing! Awesome.

I presume that You are no longer out of luck, hope or cigarettes?

.Nicotine.Queen. said...

Well, it's been 2 months. . not that much has changed. Maybe the phone call wasn't as successful as I had hoped, but as soon as I find someone worth trying this theory out on, I will let you know.

As for the cigarettes, I just ran out last night for the first time since I moved here. It was quite depressing trying to find somewhere to buy them for less than $9 a pack. Going home cannot get here fast enough.