Wednesday, January 16, 2008

You've got mail. sike!

Since having all of my email addresses added to my blackberry, I get extremely excited whenever that red lil light comes on to tell me someone is thinking of me. Which is so great- and which is also one of the many reasons I enjoy my addiction to my crackberry. The biggest downfall? One of my email addresses gets an ungodly amount of spam and chain letters from "friends". So I get extremely excited only for a huge let down (which if anyone has any ideas on how to fix this- besides de-friending the persons, I threaten and they never listen) so in honor of retarded pointless emails I am sharing my favorite of them all, courtesy of my mother.

To all my friends, thanks to you sending me chain letters in 2007:

I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer or Alzheimer.

I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I no longer accept packages from UPS or FedEx since they might be Al Quada in disguise.

I no longer get real "hugs" anymore because these pesky little bears keep giving me hugs via the net.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Nieman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account, a sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when participated in their special e-mail program. My Erickson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disney land.

But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm.

Also, have I mentioned in my next lifetime I want to be Avril?


eastcoastdweller said...

There are probably a good number of people in the world who actually do believe all of that stuff and live miserable lives accordingly.

Eventually, even the freakiest health freak is gonna die of something.