Redonkulous Quotes.

"Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about"

What if I can't go a day without thinking about crack cocaine?

Some people need to rethink their redonkulous ways to make them feel better about boys. Seriously.

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My prince.

More adventures. Seriously?

Why anyone would allow me to have access to an open blade is beyond me. Requiring me to own many and carry them around is an even sillier plan.

See where I'm going with this?

Last night, some refill blades got free of their case and decided to make art on me, and when I say art I mean slice my damn leg open.

My theory is since I'm generally content with my life, the universe is determined to mess with me just for fun.

Stay tuned to see what happens tomorrow.

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Proudly batshit stupid or just a member of the cult.

This is what procrastinating homework looks like.

I present the most hilarious video about the iPhone4.

So not only did I feel stupid about buying a glass phone in the first place (in my defense, my poor little Blackberry is about to bite the dust. It costs the same to get a new blackberry as to switch to the iPhone, so I just did it), this video makes me feel like an even bigger idiot.

The subject of guppies.

BFF: So, I want guppies and I want to mate them because they have live births.

Me: What does that mean?

BFF: It means when the female guppy is pregnant, instead of laying eggs, it just shits out like 100 babies, then the male guppy eats them.

Me: Well, wouldn't you take the daddy guppy out so he doesn't eat the babies?

BFF: Nope. I believe in Darwinism.

Magnet for insanity.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with my chi, but seriously. I leave my apartment and crazies come out of the woodwork.

As I was walking to the bus, a crazy jumped out of a doorway, threw a bottle which hit the girl in front of me and spit at us.

Really?! Who else does this shit happen to?
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More fun stuff or things I haven't wanted to talk about, part 2.

So, the other day. I was pissed because I was trying to go to yoga at my gym, but once I got there realized they don't have yoga in the summer. Apparently my gym believes people are spiritually sound in the summer all of a sudden. Anyway. I decided I was going to play Mario at my BFF's house (did I mention my BFF moved to NYC? Yea and she lived with me for a whole month. That was a fun month. I should have documented our adventures, but I'm sure there will be more).

There I am on the train rediscovering how awesome my 90s playlist is, when I see this man. I got a creepy vibe from him, but went along jamming to my music. I mean, let's just be honest, how many times a day do you get a creepy vibe from someone on the street in New York? Then, he moved to stand right next to where I was sitting, which I thought was a little strange because the subway doors open on the opposite side, but whatever. I'm still jamming.

One stop before the one I'm supposed to get off, I feel a tap on my shoulder. Assuming he touched me on accident, I look up fully prepared to tell him it's ok, when he has this weird look in his eye. It took me a minute to focus but when I did, his PENIS WAS TWO INCHES FROM MY FACE. Did you get that? TWO INCHES. I could smell the penis (again, let's be honest, we all know what penis smells like) THAT'S how close.

So, I screamed, which is the worst possible thing you can do. These sickos get off on that. It would have been better if I said something like "Wow. That's really small" or "That STD looks like it hurts". If I was really good, I would have pulled out my camera and this post would look more like this or at least sprayed it with pepper-spray. but no. I wasn't thinking clearly because who EXPECTS TO SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT? Everyone on the train looked at me like I was crazy and the man ran into the next car. No one saw what happened (of course. This is New York) but a lady and her husband convinced me to call the police (we were above ground).

As we pulled up to my stop, all of the police officers and MTA workers were conveniently on the opposite end of the train and I watched the guy jump into the train that was across the platform. Even better, the train pulled off right away. I gave an accurate description of the man and the police said they were going to try to catch him at the next stop but I doubt it happened.

I had always heard of this, sort of as an urban legend type thing, but now I can safely say, yes it does happen. FYI, in case anyone has the urge to pull their penis out in the subway, it's a crime punishable by a year in jail.

Things I haven't really wanted to talk about. Part 1

I think I'm going to go ahead and put this at the top of the new list as to why I'm an even bigger (if that could be possible) holy hot mess.

Abusive Relationships.

I'm not going to lie, I judged them. It's just common sense: Boy abuses (in whatever sense of the word) you= you leave. duh. It wasn't until I caught myself in one of these that I realized how not so easy it is.

These people are bad bad people. I believe it's a trait that cannot be learned, but instead something you are born with. It's like a manipulating gene that exists inside them that they don't even know exists sometimes but use it to their advantage to every possible degree. I don't even know how to properly explain how they mind fuck you, but it happens. It's like silent frat boy hazing. They know better than to start off trying to break you down. A strong independent person would catch on right away. Instead, they go about it in the most covert sneaking through the backdoor psych-ops manner (seriously, the military could take some pointers from these mental terrorists). You're left with the rug pulled out from underneath you with your world turned upside down- and most of the time you have no idea any of this just happened. Then, it's all over. You're stuck because you think there is no one else out there that could possibly love you so you put up with it over and over.

Now, luckily I have a very smart friend who recognized the signs and made me realize (much to my dismay) what was happening. For many, they aren't so lucky and they never do realize that their world was flipped. It even took me a hot minute to allow myself to see the situation for what it was and I feel like that's saying something. A girl who always has one foot on the ground in relationships to fall for this?! I'm still completely baffled at how I allowed it to happen. I'm baffled and angry. Mainly, angry at myself.

Why am I sharing all this? I guess just to make you aware. Aware of the silent mental terrorist who feed off of vulnerable women so you don't become one, too. And yea, I thought it could never happen to me, too. Don't be prideful, just be careful.

Happy Birthday, Lady!

We visited you yesterday to wish you a fabulous 234th birthday. You look great for your age!
Today we stood on the roof of K-Mart to watch the Macy's fireworks. Weird eurotrash people below us shot fireworks towards us eventually catching their neighbor's tree on fire (no lie.) It was quite fun and very American.
Happy Day!
xoxo
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True story

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