Tuesday, December 30, 2008

You wanna know what sucks?

Waiting until your nails dry and hoping your bladder does not explode because you decided to take every one's advice and paint your nails so you don't scare away a boy (trust me, there are many other reasons I could scare him off and I guarantee my chipped nails wouldn't even make the top 10) and pulling up and down tights with wet nails is quite messy and annoying. Like the black isn't going to tip him off anyway. I will give them credit, they tried everything to sway me into a Black Cherry or Gunmetal color, but I stood my ground.
Chipped or Black. At least if I would have stayed with the horrible chipped, I'd be able to pee right now.

Just because you order a Diet Coke, doesn't make you healthy.

For the record, I do care about myself and I think am a lot more socially responsible than some people.

American Lung Association, with all do respect, kindly piss off.

I deleted you for a reason.

Why do you want to re-friend me after I deleted your ass months ago and you just realized it now? There was a reason I deleted you and it was probably b/c I dont think we are that good of friends, you post stupid bulletins or I just generally don't care how you are doing. I understand having me on your friend list gives you street credit for knowing a hot girl, but it ruins mine.

I'm really not that interesting. Trust me. And for the record, drooling over myspace pictures of a girl you can never have is not ok in your late 20s.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Word of the Day.


Straight from churches, Ya boyfriend's worthless. Cause Luda goes deep, while he barely scratch the surface.

That's from "Whatever you like" T.I. featuring Ludacris. It makes me happy right now.
I think any word ending in -less is making me happy.

Ugh. Not cool.

Can someone please take a moment out of their busy life to explain to me WHERE THE FUCK DID LAST WEEK GO?!
Although it is well documented, I am still at a loss as to how it snuck away from me and how I am back at work so quickly. I feel like I woke up this morning and it was all a dream. The only thing that tipped me off was the suitcase I tripped over this morning and the 125 unread emails in my inbox. boo.

And even if I am not super stoked to be back in the city with 8 million strangers and even if I have a million things to do to prepare, I am really excited about tomorrow. It hasn't really sunk in who is coming tomorrow, but hopefully that will keep the nerves away. That story is going to change tonight when I'm desperately trying to unpack, clean and pick something to wear.
(I really hate that you read this, btw. You are keeping me from talking about you b/c I know everyone in blog world wants to know you exist and all about you. AND I expect a text as soon as you read this. :P)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Where is Shockey?

You are hurting my heart. I cannot find you on the field and the only reason I came to this Saints game is to stare at you for three hours fantasizing about what our children would look like and all the dirty things I would do to you. Instead, I might actually have to watch the game and learn how it is played. You are not on my nice list. But I will still bare your children if #83, #64, #86 and #3 (who I am currently fighting with Fred over) don't win my heart over by the end of the game. I seriously need to pay attention to football more often.

Your Future Ex-Wife.
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In traffic

That's special.
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Ed Hardy is the devil

I'm aware it's blurry. I never claimed to be paparazzi. Focus on the tacky red shirt. 

I am recockulously tempted to burn this guy's shirt and tell him that's what he gets for buying an $80 t-shirt. That would be wrong, right?

But what is right is being able to walk outside a bar with a drink. Currently I am sitting outside the Red Eye shoe less waiting for my sister to bring me flats from the bar. One of the many douchebags traveling to Republic commented, "you have purple legs". Why yes, I have purple legs. It's called fashionable stockings where I come from.
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If I ever have a bachlorette party

Someone stop me from having it at a dive bar in The Quarter, or all of New Orleans for that matter. It's tacky and cliche and overrated.

Mine better be in Vegas if we are going to top the cliche and there had better not be strippers. Not Kidding, people.
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Friday, December 26, 2008

The Dollar Store

For the record, do not send me to the dollar store on a mission for a $1 gift. An hour and $25 later, I will have spent too much money on useless crap I don't need and haven't nailed down which piece I want to give away.

Some friends are having a gathering tonight that includes a goofy $1 present exchange. Some special person is getting either princess silly putty, super glue or a night light. I can't decide what I want to part with yet.
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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

And I wonder where my Dad gets it from

I don't know if it's that this eggnog daiquiri is really strong, or if I just know my family too well, but these are a few quotes that entertained me tonight which I will now subject you to.

Merry Christmas!!

Momma, if I go into the kitchen one more time it's going to cost me 200 calories. So, we should really think seriously about leaving.
-my aunt
Are you driving home? Because your mother is loaded.
-uncle talking to my 19 year old cousin
Hi! I've never met you. I'm Katy. I bet you're really good friends with my cousin.
-my 5 year old cousin talking to my 19 year old cousin's boyfriend. 

Suburbia Withdrawals

Last night, the excitement of going to a Wal-mart had me passing out in the check out line and spending a good 20 minutes in the vision department recovering.

This morning my nose wanted in on the let's-see-how-many-times-we- can-make-her-think-she's-dying fun and now I have blood splattered jeans. You think I could make it a trend in New York? Anyhow, we are prepared now (see picture).

And now I'm on my way to possibly burn all of my hair off trying to get the boxed black dye out of my hair.

Hope everyone's Christmas Eve is not as fun filled as mine!
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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Apparently, I'm not as convincing as I thought I was.

Me: Dad, you need to buy mom a new car for Christmas.
Dad: I am going to buy her a new car. I'm getting her a hummer. That's what she needs. Something she can't destroy. Have you seen what she's done to this one? It should be a sin.
Me: Ok, as long as it's a brand new hummer.
Dad: I'm not buying that woman an f-ing brand new car.
Me: Well, she says this will be her last car of her life, it should be brand new. 
Dad: Does she promise to croak if it breaks down? I'll go out and buy it tomorrow. 

I'm kind of interested in seeing what he's going to say when I ask him for my apartment. 

Sunday, December 21, 2008

It's your birthday, douchebag.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to text you or not- and I decided I would and be the bigger person. I think it's quite funny I'm literally 2 blocks away from you right now and I dragged your brother away from your party to hang out with me.

To be honest, I would have liked to give you a hug for your birthday but I would have puked all over her shoes if I saw her with you.
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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Well, we tried.

"Who licked the candy and put it back?"
That's what you get for trying to eat the candy instead of decorating the house with a 5 year old and a 3 year old!
I think it's a masterpiece and I'm super excited to be home.
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Friday, December 19, 2008

Snow not happy

There are ice pellets in my hair and even in my rain boots I'm sliding around. Remind me why this is amazing?

But I did get to go home early to start my fabulous 8 crazy night holiday (I'm going home for the length of Hanukkah but I'm Catholic- well, my parents are). Let's just hope my flight stays on time tomorrow and everyone will be safe.
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Parental Advisory

Don't leave me unsupervised with your children.

Steph is telling me about the 2yr old she is watching right now who won't stop screaming because he is sick (why in god's name you would agree to watch a child that did not come out of your own vagina while it's sick is beyond me). I told her to OD it on Nyquil and call it a day. That wasn't the right answer, was it?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

One stop shopping; almost better than wal-mart.

I am a fucking genius!! 

I went to Lush (No, it wasn't a bar- which is the first thing my aunt asked me, too) at lunch, got a gift box of 12 different bath bombs and now I'm done with Christmas shopping- bam. I'm amazing. To be honest, I don't know what the rave about this soap crap is but I am definitely going to play it up because I am a sophisticated New Yorker now and all (Yes, I am aware there is a Lush on Decatur in New Orleans. shut it.) They came in this adorable polka dot box, which does not fit in my suitcase (guess who gets to keep it? :-)  so I had to put them into individual bags and pray they don't break on the trip home (guess who smells like a French whore right now?) For spending so much damn money, they gave me three free moisturizing bath bombs and soaps, which I am also keeping. This is amazing. 

Even though I don't need to go to Biloxi for Christmas shopping now- this just gives me more time to shop for yours truly. Because I think I deserve a new Coach purse. I am kick ass awesome. 

Buddy the Elf is my hero

Go there and watch the video. make me happy.

2 more days, people.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's finally f-ing snowing

and sticking. You people are all excited. I just see another way to bust my ass.
I went out on the back porch, saw the snow covered stairs and thought "Great. I know I'm going to fall down these and I wonder how long it would take someone to come find my lifeless broken body?"
So, tomorrow I'm breaking out the snow boots. They are uglier than sin and I don't know how good they work but we'll find out together.
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The mysterious Y chromo

I want to be a chemist. If I were a chemist I would be the one that discovers the chemical a female puts off (not to be mistaken with pheromones) when she is interested in a male. Apparently this chemical is attached to the Y-chromosome of all the males in her life that she used to like (or vice versa) and/or dated. This Y-chromosome lays dormant until she emits this mystery chemical in which forcing said male to remember she exists/ re-open the lines of communication/ profess their undying love to her. I am going to discover this chemical and a way to bottle it and sell it. Then I'll never have to work again.

That's my explanation and I'm sticking to it. Anyone else have a better explanation why without fail when you start liking/ dating someone else all of your ex boyfriends come out of the woodwork?

Santa Claus is taking over your town.

I have never in my life seen more Santa suits in my life. Truth be told, I had no idea they had that many in existence. I thought a Santa suit was a coveted magical thing that only a select few had and were allowed to wear with great care. I was wrong.

This past weekend was NYC's Santacon 08 and I participated. By participated I mean walking around New York City freezing my ass off with 2,000 other people dressed as Santa on a mission to follow "Santa" to any and every bar/ landmark allowed.

This was not a normal pub crawl by any means. There was no texting to the next place. The only way you knew what the hell was going on was by paying attention, which is a feat in itself when at every bar you are ordering 2 drinks at a time because you never know when the next time you're going to get one. The chant "Santa's on the move" is how you know it's time to leave the bar and you better pray you are following a Santa that isn't going on a detour to pass out in an alley. I think there was a conspiracy against my bladder that day, too. The second I would jumped in the bathroom line is when they'd start with the Santa's on the move bullshit. This Santa (well, technically I was dressed as Holly) was not a happy camper. She'd prefer more structure. An itinerary or a time line she could follow would have made her less stressed. But I will give them props- they split up the stops by doing bar/landmark/bar/ landmark so you could pace yourself properly (i.e. we met at 3 bars next to each other on 34th then an hour or so later went to the Post Office then went to a bar- don't ask me which or where I was just following- then went to Grand Central, then to the bars on South Street Seaport. The next stop was the Staten Island Ferry but that's all my crew got to. At this point it was 7pm and we had been out since 10am and we are in no way professionals)

It was a really fabulous experience and now we know better for next year: More clothes and more alcohol. And just for the record, I don't know if it was the lighting of the day or just the uniform in general, but there were some damn hot Santas- and you know I think New York is a draught for hot men. They had to have been visiting.

Funny story: don't introduce me to important people when I'm drunk, it won't be pretty. My roommate's co-workers were there and as I was being introduced, I swore on my life this chick's name was "One Dorito" (like the chip) but in fact she said Margarita (like the drink). There were 4 of them, so I decided I was going to name them One Dorito, Two Dorito, Three Dorito, Floor- and I called them that all day. What? I thought it was funny.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Duane Reade

Is it a requirement for you to only hire complete imbeciles in your pharmacy department? Do they even have an education in medicine?
Your genius employees are holding my prescription hostage at your 40th and Broadway store because they don't know how to use a phone/ message system correctly. This has been going on for over a week. Mind you, this is quite important medication that prevents me from acting on homicidal thoughts and keeps my heart pumping normally. When I plead insanity for riding the world of one or two stupid people, your company will be named as an accomplice.
Get your shit straight.


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Freddie's shoes!!!

Totally fit me and I think I'm stealing them.
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Friday, December 12, 2008

z100's Jingle Ball 2008

Apparently I need a sippy cup- I'm pretty sure the MSG concessions worker sensed that (it's not my fault I can get a potent frozen appletini in midtown with dinner for $7!) But that's ok, I'm having more (drunken) fun than the 12 year olds in front of me! Leona Lewis is on right now and I'm close to slitting my wrists, but I'm still on a Paramore high.
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Origins Shedonism Shea Butter

Is not, I repeat NOT, face moisturizer. And it smells potent.
How do I know?
Because it's on my face right now.
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Best Compliment all week. all month. all year.

You are beautiful, inside and out. You don't care what anyone thinks and
confidence radiates from you. I want to be just like you.

Attention Twilighters

Apparently, Catherine Hardwicke listened to me.

Now can we talk about Jacob's hair? I can't even find a picture of it on the Internet it's that bad. Oh wait. Here it is. No wonder Bella picks Edward for the love of all things holy!! and I'm Team Jacob.

Why making out with a coworker at the company Christmas party is a bad plan.

1. You are a professional. You must at least pretend to be one. You are not 19 and this is not the frat house.
2. Your boss might see you, especially if you are not discrete about it and decide to make out in the middle of the after party bar where the entire company is.
3. The first time seeing said co-worker after all the alcohol has worn off might be a little awkward.
4. You reputation and respect of your fellow workers might get a little tainted, but that's only if you care enough.
5. Your co-workers will make fun of you relentlessly and there might even be some photographic evidence and use to blackmail you into doing favors for them.
6. Explaining to friends that he is in fact straight when you work with a lot of homosexual males in the fashion industry might get a little tedious and annoying.

I'm just sayin'. Don't be that girl.

and if you don't decide to listen to me, at least find out if he has a girlfriend first.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Christmas presents for the moisture-ly challenged

Apparently I've been bitching enough about these nosebleeds that my friends are taking notice (seriously, it's every other day and I have even been using a humidifier). I got an email and this is what I'm getting for Christmas!

In case you need one, too. I know you want to look as cool as me. It could be a new trend in New York or New Orleans!

Spotlight: ME!

Remember my best friend?

She is also my sorority sister and last night we were bitching about our Alum group on FB overflowing our inboxes with useless emails (seriously, take a day to figure out what you want to tell me and put it all in one email. That way I can ignored ONE email instead of getting pissed off about 50 new messages talking about a stupid ornament exchange I will not be participating in- which btw whoever gets excited about an ornament exchange is GAY and in need of a life. No offense to my sisters who read this.). One of the many useless emails happened to be informing us if we want to be featured for the newsletter in the "Alum Spotlight". I was making fun of it, like what would I be spotlighted for? Hi! I'm a 26 year old alum living in New York pretty close to the poverty line and a hop skip and a jump away from being the single crazy cat lady? Or better yet: Hi! Look at me! I'm one of the rare alum who didn't get knocked up out of wedlock and currently lives in a trailer on the outskirts of Natchitoches with my Fort Polk baby daddy? (again, no offense!) In the process of laughing at the recockulousness of it, I realized my friend had sent them an email telling the group what she was up to (which happens to be good stuff- like she recently got married and is about to get her Masters in Psychology. Things I would be proud of, too) and because I made fun of her, she decided to take it upon herself and send my spotlight in. This is what was in my inbox this morning:

Here is what I sent... non-knocked up reference and all... I love

I would like to send info on featuring [NQ] in the alumni section of the news letter.[NQ], who graduated in 2005 (I actually graduated in 2004) from NSU now lives in New York, walks the streets of NYC like "Carrie" from Sex in the City. She lives on _______ street, a very posh Puerto Rican neighborhood where the pharmacists are very friendly. I know because I stayed there in October with my new hubby. She works for ______ (the people who put on that rockin' parade on Thanksgiving!) and is two steps from taking over her department. She also has a natural double D cup size, which is a feat in itself. Not only is she a New York City rockstar, but she is sexy too! Anyway, the facts listed above, and the fact that is has never been pregnant or arrested should TOTALLY put her in for the spotlight.

P.S. She is going to kill me for sending this, but she is the coolest, most successful, hottest best friend a girl could ask for. She is the ultimate representation of AOII alumni and everyone should strive for her level of awesomeness.


Monday, December 8, 2008

I love you, but you are flawed.

Remember that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie realizes all the things she fell in love with Big for were driving her nuts (i.e. the cigars and his arrogance)? Does that usually happen in relationships, I wonder?

Someone told me recently they love when I go on my little rants. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm sure in 6 months it's not going to be so cute. Quirky is only cute for so long. He has no idea what he is getting himself into. But I will stop there. I can't afford to jinx this one.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

And the corniness never gets old

Look! I have a heart on my sleeve!
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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Christmas Wish Listing

Is it terrible to be already emailing your family members what you want for Christmas? Technically, I started last week with the emailing but every time I talked to them from the months of August on, I was telling them exactly what I want. I've even bought a few things for them to give to me and had them shipped home. Sucks I don't think I'm going to get very surprised this year, but at least I will get exactly what I want and I can plan space in my suitcase.

Asking for a Tiffany's necklace when I'm already getting a TV is wrong, right? Especially when I plan on pleading my case for an apartment in New York? hehe!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I feel good.

Finally made it back to the gym and I even took a class. A pilates class pretending to be yoga but whatev.
I forgot how good burning off nervous energy feels.

And if any of you tell my parents I said that, I will flog you! They have preached that to me for years but being the rebel (without a cause) that I am, I have adamantly ignored their advice.

Is it weird to crave a peanut butter sandwich?
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I'm not kidding.

The Blackberry is officially in my desk drawer.

I feel like a crackhead because now when I want to check it, I have to stop what I'm doing to go into the drawer- every five minutes. Maybe locking it in there? Giving the key to a co-worker?
I'm trying to decide if I'm strong enough to leave it there for lunch.

I can do this. I am a strong ass female!

I hope you're happy.

Am I really going to be that girl that waits for his call?
Am I really going to be that girl who waits for his email?
Am I really going to be that girl who checks her Blackberry every 5 seconds?

4 years of training myself NOT to be that girl and look at me now. I've been down that road. I've taken a backseat. I've been 2nd and 3rd before and I can't do it again. Why am I grasping at the little bit of attention given and thinking that enough instead of demanding more? I cannot drive myself crazy waiting for him to recognize how amazing I am. I cannot have my life consumed by someone who doesn't appreciate me.

This is why I am so guarded.
This is why I won't let you in.

This is why I do things to purposely hurt you.
God, I need a hobby (that does NOT include reading books about knights in shining armor).

Monday, December 1, 2008

It's not polite to stare

Into your neighbors' windows.
As I was smoking in my back alley, I noticed a light on and a man at a computer. I dosed off into space contemplating some famous writer diligently working on his next bestseller, when I noticed him staring back. I also noticed that he was shirtless (probably naked) and I probably interrupted a very sexy moment in cyber sex land. Bummer.

Because after all, the internet is for porn ;)
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And since when is "spider monkey" a term of endearment?! You have been dis-dazzled.

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Please stop directing movies. At very least, step away from the Twilight Saga, please. Words cannot express how disappointed I was with Twilight. I would like my $12.50 back along with the two hours wasted on the joke of a movie you made. I spent a week waiting to see this film, fully prepared to be depressed from the romance pouring off of the screen. My date buying a Diet Coke for me even though he hates it and taking me to Chipotle afterwards was more romantic than the entire movie. Edward's mood swings may have been giving Bella whiplash (which can someone please explain to me when he was ever being nice to her?!), but your choppy scene transitions were making me nauseated. I have never laughed more at inappropriate times due to the terrible acting you allowed slip through the editing process(including the time I was dragged to see The Chronicles of Narnia and I laughed the entire movie because the children were so damn ugly. My friend is still not talking to me because of it, too).

Don't get me wrong, I love independent films, but this was physically painful to watch. I would like to compare it to watching someone fall backwards down a moving escalator. I was paralyzed with shock and fear as blood spouted out of his head but I could not look away and now I have that horrid image burned in my memory for the rest of my life (this actually happened the night I saw the movie, btw). When I got out of the subway I was shaking on the verge of tears and sick to my stomach. It was nearly the same exact reaction I had 2 hours prior leaving the theater.

I can't fault you completely, though. You are obviously talented; you took an amazing love story and turned it into one of the biggest movie disasters I've ever had to watch.


PS- That Stephenie Meyer cameo? If I could have lost more respect, I would have.