Wednesday, March 19, 2008

kicking and screaming is no longer cute.

I am stewing. and it sucks.

I just realized I have been in the most f-ed up relationship ever- and it happens to be with the love of my life, my gay husband. I came to this conclusion today when I decided I was going to revert to pre-pubescent behavior by calling people names, throwing a tantrum and pouting (for the record, I never claimed to be mature. I mean the attention span has got to mean something) because I did not get what I wanted (which is extremely rare in this situation). All this because of a boy and a girl who threatens to replace me (which btw in reality we all know is impossible seeing as I am a piece of irreplaceable precious cargo but to pacify my 12 year old mind set at the moment, lets pretend for a second I have low self-esteem). The only thing that is making this hard is getting rid of him is out of the question. In a normal (and I use that term loosely with my track record) relationship, I would have been done with him the moment I felt threatened. I would like to consider myself a limited bullshit tolerator. I dont compete, I automatically win. And if not, they weren't worth it anyway. Normally I would never hang out long enough for him to prove to me over and over again that I am not the sun of his universe. The only thing I have to go on that this is still the truth is him telling me this. And we all know, actions speak louder than drunk words. But of course, this can't be normal.

It's like saying "My the sweater on my arm is itching the fuck out of me, I think I will cut it off". He is a part of me. This is my oldest closest friend who I consider my soulmate. He knows me inside and out and still hangs around. He is one of the few that can handle me and I think he has been doing a pretty damn good job of it for the past decade or so. Until recently, but that is none of the world wide web's business.

And the point of this is I need something to distract me from calling him and yelling at him (like he is expecting me to do) and making him crawl even further into an emotional ball thus frustrating me to no end and me never fixing this problem. But Im tired. really tired. and really alone. This has been a year long battle and I need my best friend back (and for the record, this is NOT due to my unhealthy abundance of pride and stubbornness- for once!)

So now I am continuing to pick up my phone every 5 seconds to see if I have a message and waiting for him to call (which I know for a fact, he won't).

This. right here. is the reason I am not in a normal stable relationship with a straight male.


Eastcoastdweller said...

Between a rock and a hard place, seems to me.