A friend of mine told me about a trick he does to calm down. He screams HOLY MACKEREL! at the top of his lungs. I tried it, and it works. You should too.
But currently, I am not in my car, in an office with a closed door and there is no pillow handy so I must suppress my urge to do this.
And I am currently frustrated with the ebay selling. I am trying to sell a brand new blue ipod shuffle and as it gets closer, the more nervous I get. grr. Someone please buy it!! I need to sell a silver ipod nano 2GB next, then who knows? Maybe some shoes? some purses? More money for NYC!
Friday, August 31, 2007
A friend of mine told me about a trick he does to calm down. He screams HOLY MACKEREL! at the top of his lungs. I tried it, and it works. You should too.
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 2:46 PM
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
1 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, CA 95014
Dear Mr. Jobs:
First of all, I would like to say I love your products. However, when the original iPod came out, I was against it. I did not believe there should be a product that would phase out the radio. Radio is free and your product was definitely not so free, so I believed your product to be the devil (just kidding!). Once the Video iPod came into existence, though, my life was forever changed. I was in love with the fact that I could upload movies onto it and watch them anywhere. Kudos to you Mr. Jobs! My video iPod is now permanently attached to the radio and the only station I keep it on is 87.9. But this letter is not to state how amazing your products are, because that fact is indisputable.
I recently received a blue ipod shuffle as a gift. BLUE! I am sorry but I am a firm friend of the first half of the rainbow and that is all- red, pink, orange and yellow. Blue is a tragic color and obviously this person did not know me very well at all, but I digress. I decided I needed to exchange this for a better color (of course we are talking about pink). Now, if you listen to nothing else in this letter, please understand this next sentence is the thesis sentence: I do not understand why it takes an Act of Congress to exchange an Apple product without a receipt. Exchange, by definition, to give up (a blue shuffle) for something else (a pink shuffle); part with for some equivalent; change for another. Granted, a pink shuffle is by no means in the same category as a blue shuffle, only because the color is better in my opinion, but in yours they are considered equal, hence charging the same price for it. Therefore, I do not understand WHY I am having such a difficult time doing a simple task people normally do on a daily basis. I called your customer service department and I was told that as long as the product is brand new in the packaging I could swap the two products (an even exchange) with no problem at any Apple authorized dealer. Well, she lied. I cannot do that. I need a receipt and seeing as I will not be ever getting a receipt (for reasons that would take a novel to explain and I don’t want to take up too much of your time), I need to know how I can do this. It seems you are the “God” of all knowing and I would feel blessed if you would bestow on me a tiny inkling on how to do this.
Now I am not normally an irate customer. I understand that those servicing me did not make the rules and are simply doing their jobs, and being that you are the CEO of this company I am assuming that you do- make the rules that is. And seeing as my request is a tiny one (it is not like I’m asking for the secrets of how to MAKE an ipod shuffle) and I asking you to please inform me the proper way to go about exchanging a blue ipod shuffle for a pink one without a receipt and without knowing where this product was purchased. It’s simple, really and then you will have another happy Apple customer to support and buy any other product your ingenious mind comes up with.
In sum, I would appreciate a response containing in detail how to go about exchanging my brand new in the package BLUE ipod shuffle with a PINK shuffle without a receipt and without knowing where it was purchased. Thank you, Mr. Jobs, for your time.
With kindest regards, I remain
The Nicotine Queen
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 10:55 AM
Monday, August 27, 2007
So for those that do not know, I have an small obsession with the missed connections section on craigslist. Normally I think they are so cute and romantic and one day hope someone write one about me (but seeing as most of the missed connections come from people in Whole Foods, which is a trend I refuse to give in to and Bridge Lounge which is wayy too pet friendly for me- I doubt it will ever happen). I had been neglecting my little obsession and stumbled across it today. I picked out my favorites to share.
Either these people are mocking missed connections which truly shows how non-romantic the world has become or they really need to work on their courting skills, but either way, I found it quite comical.
HAIRY GORILLA AT CHINESE BUFFET - m4w - 30
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2007-08-25, 2:41AM CDT
I stood there in awe.. gazing at your sheer beauty.. broad shoulders, beautiful eyes, pucked lips, knitted sweater - WAIT, THAT WASN'T A SWEATER, THAT WAS YOUR HAIRY BACK !!! Baby I want you, I need you - ive got a banana tree in my backyard, which means you and I need to go camping in the garden!
email me, I long for you, especially since winter is on its way
Rat Girl - m4w - 26
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2007-08-23, 10:37PM CDT
I saw you jumping over a dead rat in the street in front of Jax's. The way you hurdled the rat and the way the wind blew your hair was breath taking. I was walking towards you wearing a neat-o outfit.
I'm so sorry - m4w - 19
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2007-08-15, 9:22PM CDT
Why wouldn't you let me make you the queen to my king of magazine street? I saw you tonight on my street with some jackoff. Whats he, the king of Veterans Blvd?
Vomit in the Park - m4w - 25
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2007-08-01, 3:51PM CDT
I was running in the park and pushed myself a little too hard. I threw up my lunch in front of you, and by the look on your face, it probably ruined your workout...maybe even your day. My bad. I said, “Don’t worry...it was just a banana...I’ve got a bunch of them at home.” I don’t think you got the joke. If you figured it out on your run or your ride home, drop me a line and I’ll make it up to you.
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 1:18 PM
Friday, August 24, 2007
Seeing as yesterday I was called this THREE times, I am going to address this issue once and for all.
I AM NOT HIGH MAINTENANCE
I am only as high maintenance as allowed to be.
How could it possibly be my fault if you allow me to be that way? Who wouldn't want to push the buttons to see how far they can get away with? I am a master manipulator, people. It's how the lord programmed my brain and I try to take advantage of those gifts he bestowed upon me (well I kind of try to stay away from the over abundance of pride and stubbornness. I really think I got seconds on those). High Maintenance. I don't even know what that means, really. Is it such a crime that I know what I want and will settle for nothing less? Some of you people need to follow in my footsteps because WoW! Some of your significant others. . . well, I will be nice.
So the moral of the story kiddies, I am not high maintenance. You just have low-standards.
And I just read at wiktionary the definition of high maintenance *officially* (because remember everything you read on the internet is true!) :
Describes a system which requires a high degree of maintenance to ensure proper functioning and without which it is likely to break down.
(figuratively) A person who requires a lot of attention.
He has this incredibly high-maintenance girlfriend; if he doesn't tell her that he loves her every five minutes, she tends to break down into hysterical depressive weepy fits.
Ok. THAT is crap. I'm not that girl. Attention must be paid to me, but THAT sounds like a 12 year old girl who didn't have a lot of daddy-time growing up and a guy who had too much mommy-time to put up with it. All I ask is that I am recognized for my fabulousness. That. is. all. (and sooo not too much to ask, btw
YET AGAIN! I am only as expensive as I am allowed to be. I do not live beyond my means, I can pay for everything that I buy and I am on a budget right now (No comments from the peanut gallery, thank you!). How is THAT a problem? And if you want to buy me that nice diamond ring, its not my fault you have to go into debt for it! I didn't ask for it! Its something you wanted to do. So, how is it my fault??
brittle Ok. I am not brittle, or at least I only pretend to be.
WHAT AN AMAZING WORD!! I dub this my word of the week! I am finicky. Especially when I'm eating and there is stuff in my food that I don't like.
I have medication to control this, thank you.
Retrieved from "http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/high-maintenance"
Ok. Maybe I am.
JUST a little.
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 3:20 PM
I keep telling the receptionist at work instead of Tylenol and Advil in the supply closet we need percocets and valiums. I mean who needs antacids anyway? (well, actually I did yesterday. I've never had indigestion before in my life- I didn't even know how to spell it!- god I'm getting old). Seriously, if I were to continue to pursue a career in this field I would need something much strong, like a lobotomy.
So I did it. I sent my letter to anysoldier.com (well actually I got an address and mailed it to the base, stood in line forever and found out mailing it was only $.75, which rocks because I thought my measly little letter was going to cost an arm and a leg but since it goes to the base then to wherever they are it was cheap). I suggest everyone get a pen pal in the military, hopefully this will be fun and someone will write me back thinking I’m witty and fun. Hopefully he is at least 6’2, single and independently wealthy. LoL.
Health Update: I feel like poo.
Everyone in the office is sick, so of course germs flock to me knowing I have Lysoled my desk, a economy sized bottle of Purel and hand wipes. I think it’s a game, survival of the fittest and let me tell you, modern crap that is supposed to protect you from these colds and allergies do not work.
My head feels like a brick and everything tastes like snot. ewwww.
Today is Friday and all I want to do is crawl up in the bed. This adult world has ruined the weekend. I’m so pumped all week for it, but once it gets here all I want to do is rest up, then on Monday I am saddened by the fact I did not have crazy debaucherized fun and I’m pumped for the next weekend to make up for it, and the vicious cycle continues.
Getting older sucks.
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 1:30 PM
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
How friggin funny!
Your Score: Queen of Hearts
You scored 42 Kindness, 37 Morality, and 58 Wisdom!
You spend your upbringing going to the finest schools, being educated in the running of Wonderland as a strong ruler. Your parents dished out thousands of dollars for college and you always got excellent grades. But instead you only want to play croquet? All the time? Well, although it's odd, at least you know what you like. Fortunately you are very intelligent and have a solid base of morals on your shoulders. Even so, your lack of kindness leaves you playing alone often. Look for a man with a nice head of flames and a lot of time on his hands, like Hades, for a good match.
|Link: The Which Disney Character Are You Test written by dakotaguy on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test|
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 3:33 PM
The Good News: My mother is going to pay off my credit card before I move!! (shh! It's supposed to be just between us- and the rest of the blogging world!) That's amazing.
The Bad News: As soon as I found out, I got an email from Coach.com and I'm already thinking what can I buy before she pays it off.
It's sad. I have a problem. But I will be debt-free for NYC!!
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 1:16 PM
I have decided smoking three cigarettes on the way to work is satisfying. Usually I limit myself to two because if I am not rationed, I can go crazy with the smoking ( i.e. any night I go drinking I nearly smoke a pack). See? Now, Im calm and collected and I can wait until 10am (which is the universally known smoke break if you aren’t in an office setting btw) but it still doesn’t mean Im starting work until 9am. (I don’t see the point in making me get to work at 8:30- everyone knows no one starts actually working until 9. That’s also universal known- well at least in my world.) Ok. All this talk about nicotine and I’m having a craving so we must stop.
I am tired of looking for apartments in New York. Who the hell can afford an apartment for 6000 a month? That is by far the most recockulous thing I’ve ever heard. All I want is a small little apartment, preferably 1 bedroom (a 2 bedroom is a dream that I hope one day to achieve, seeing as I’m going to be living with my sorority sister and I hate sharing my bed- but I will for the greater good of our cause), fully furnished, utilities included, in a good area on the island for like $1500. . . .ok ok $1800. . but I am putting my foot down at $1900. Yes, I am highly aware that this not realistic (or at least it is going to take a lot of looking) but I am the queen of unrealistic things, and if I put my mind to something, it will happen. But I’m tired of looking! All of the listings on Craig’s list are starting to blend together and I have a semi-anxiety attack every time I go on there. I will persevere though. Look out New York, this bitch does not play!
Wish me luck! The big day is getting closer and closer!
And Remember to Save the Date: September 15th is our going away party! location TBA (but most likely F&Ms or Grits because they are my fav) but if you are not there, I will no longer keep in touch with you and you will not be allowed to sleep in my bathtub when you are visiting the big apple! And no one ever wants to be on my bad side, plus I’m the coolest person you’ve ever met so it would ultimately be your own loss. smooches!
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 12:28 PM
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Ok. . .so I can't think of anything new to say at the moment considering I just posted a new blog on myspace so I will recycle. and add that the shirt I am wearing reminds me of a circus tent.
Driving last night to go buy some cigarettes, I made a few observations:
It is required to be a Jesus Freak and have the "Jesus" fish on the back of the car. (Maybe they come standard when you buy one? I guess its to make you feel better for only buy half of a car, or maybe you need Jesus to watch over you b/c Im sure that thing squashes like an aluminum can in an accident)
They are strategically placed to piss me off the entire 0.8 miles to the gas station (did you not just read I was going to buy cigarettes, which means I was out of nicotine and pissing me off during that time is generally a death wish?) Clearly, I realize the Jesus fish is there to protect them from ME, the crazed Nicotine Queen.
TV sitcoms/ Romantic Comedies
I am a suck for these- a sucker I tell you. I cheer, I cry, I beat the crap out of the unlucky soul who is sitting next to me and I live vicariously through these characters for two hours. Then I join reality and get depressed. WHY (in that wonderful dinosaur noise Cassi loves) can't I have a relationship like that? I am saddened and I came to the realization that these are the reasons why I am perpetually single (which I don't like whining about b/c I generally like singledom, but here me out). For those of us with an overactive imagination and an addiction to TV shows with romantic plots in them(or romantic comedies), it is inevitable we are going to fail in relationships. Rather, relationships are going to fail us. No relationship is ever going to compare with those of fictional characters made up purely for entertainment value. Which is not fair. Where are all the Dawsons and Paceys in the world? Paging Dr. McDreamy, where are you? See, and its not fair to us. It is not fair to compare a real live man with these expectations. He is doomed to fail. Ever noticed its not ok for a woman to be single? Even in Sex and The City, Carrie is always with a new guy and the only one not wanting a relationship is labeled a slut. What kind of society are we living in? And then you have all these women wondering why they are single in their 30s, and here it is, I will tell you, because society has brainwashed you into waiting for that imaginary Knight in Shining Armor and not to settle for less. Well, shit. I should be a therapist.
Sorry, I went on that tangent. I am getting help for that, and hopefully by 2050 I will be in a stable relationship that is not with my shoes.
Can I borrow some dental floss? I promise not to give it back- quoted from my office about 5 minutes ago. Made me laugh.
Posted by .Nicotine.Queen. at 2:45 PM